


Baz: Cat Edition

by manicmagicat



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Crack Fic, M/M, Remix Challenge, Transfiguration, fiona turns Baz into a cat, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24935602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manicmagicat/pseuds/manicmagicat
Summary: When your nephew gets into your salt and vinegar crisp stash, what’s a woman to do? Turn him into a black cat, that’s what.Simon texts his friends to make it through this calamity alive.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 9
Kudos: 75
Collections: Carry On Remix





	Baz: Cat Edition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Baz is a cat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23314567) by [Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/pseuds/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire). 



> This is a remix for the Carry On Remix challenge! Thank you so so much to the organizers, this is my first time participating in something like this so I hope I pulled it off alright! To Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire, I hope you enjoy it and that it does your work justice!

**Simon:** is your boyfriend considered “toxic” if he is actively trying to curse you?

 **Penny:** if Baz were actively trying to curse you, you’d be cursed. What’s going on?

 **Simon:** literally what other explanation could there be for him magiking himself into a black cat??? Literally wtf would be the point of that!!!! I had to order food because when I went to the pantry I found all of our salt knocked over! 

**Simon:** this is toxic!!!! And not in the sexy Brittany spears way!!!!! 

**Penny:** I’m watching a fascinating documentary with Shep right now and you’re making me miss all the best parts. Deal with your boyfriend problems on your own for once, my dear.

 **Simon:** U suck. I’m gonna put on his football hoodie, maybe he’ll be less likely to claw at me if it means wrecking his own clothes.

 **Penny:** You do that, Si. 

* * *

**Penny:** Hi Fiona, is everything alright at your place?

 **Fiona:** The humdrum hasn’t made a sudden reappearance and my nephew hasn’t stolen my weed yet. Everything’s going swimmingly in my book.

 **Penny:** Right, speaking of your nephew, have you seen him lately?

 **Fiona:** Couldn’t miss him. His idiot boyfriend has been chasing him around the place and screaming every time he catches up with him.

 **Penny:** Any particular reason for the screaming?

 **Fiona:** Because I turned Baz into a black cat, obviously. 

**Penny:** Riiiiight, obviously. And was there any particular purpose for that or is this just how you decided to waste your time today?

 **Fiona:** Simon is a good bloke. And he’s smart, he expects a curse around every corner. That’s how you survive. He hasn’t used the word ‘plotting’ for months, though, and I was getting worried he was losing his edge. You’ve got to keep them on their toes, Bunce. You of all people must know that. 

**Fiona:** Also, Baz tried to knick my last pack of salt and vinegar crisps off me and I was saving them for this afternoon.

 **Penny:** Fiona, sometimes I really hate that we’re on the same side now. Please enlighten Simon before he traps himself in the cellar or the washing machine hiding from Baz. 

**Fiona:** Ah yeah there’s some pretty cursed dark artifacts in the cellar. I’ll go save your golden boy.

* * *

**Simon:** Baz is mad at me now 

**Simon:** how do you get a cats attention

 **Simon:** do u think he has a cat brain now

 **Simon:** probably not he’s been clawing at Agatha’s old lacrosse sweatshirt and I think that shows intent

 **Simon:** but like if I try to get him to watch a movie with me rn do u think if like there’s a mouse in it or smthng that he’ll get too distracted to finish the movie 

**Penny:** He definitely still has his wits. Thank god he’s finally wrecking that sweatshirt, watching him pout every time you wore it was miserable. I thought about burning it myself a few times, just to spare myself from the drama.

 **Simon:** he’s been staring in the mirror for like forty five minutes now. Is he checking himself out??? If he thinks he’s hot as a cat…

 **Simon:** does it not also follow that he thinks cats are hot????

 **Simon:** like he always spends forever in front of the mirror but this feels different and worse

 **Penny:** Baz will be arrogant in any form he takes, you signed up for this.

 **Simon:** I tried to pick him up just now but he scratched me!!!

_[image1.jpg]_

**Penny:** He’s probably cross that you’ve been accusing him of black magic all day whilst he’s been stuck as a cat! 

* * *

**Simon:** hey shep! I know pen has been narrating this whole thing to you as it happened so I’m not gonna bother going back over everything but uh you’re great with magic animals right??? How do I get cat Baz to like me???!!!! 

**Shepard:** I got you buddy! Here’s how you gotta play it: what’s the one way someone can always get on your good side?

 **Simon:** scones? 

**Shepard:** Yeah, exactly! Well, not exactly. Please don’t feed that cat scones. But give him food! That’s how you win over any creature.

 **Simon:** okay… he picked out salt and vinegar crisps. I probably should not feed those to a cat, right??? 

**Simon:** wait what the fuck

 **Simon:** Fiona literally does not have a cat

 **Simon:** but there are MULTIPLE flavors of cat food here

 **Simon:** I'll be passing on the lamb flavor smh

 **Simon:** who the fuck does she think she is, Circe? Or do u think her freaky normal boyfriends eat this stuff?

 **Shephard:** I know the Circe option isn’t great, but I must admit that it’s the option I’m rooting for.

* * *

**Simon:** hi babe!!! I know you can’t read ur texts rn cause ur a cat but just wanted to say that I love u! 

**Simon:** ur very cute as a person but cat u is a pretty close second

 **Simon:** I really want tea but ur asleep on my chest rn so I must stay put

 **Simon:** but like I still need to be entertained so I’m texting u 

**Simon:** look!!!! How precious!!!!

_[image2.jpg]_

_[image3.jpg]_

_[image4.jpg]_

**Simon:** so ya just a reminder that I love u my darling!!! Even tho I ran away from u oop :D 

**Baz:** I love you too, idiot.

* * *

**Baz:** If you ever do that to me again, Fiona, I am going to do very horrible things to you.

 **Baz:** Simon may overrepresent my tendency to plot, but that does not mean that I am not still very gifted in that area

 **Baz:** I bought the groceries this week and even if they hadn’t been my crisps, _which they were_ , curses and hexes are not reasonable responses.

 **Fiona:** Yes yes little nephew, I am ever so afraid. Thank you for putting me in my place, I shall never dare cross you again. 

**Baz:** Also, I took your weed. You don’t deserve it.

 **Fiona:** That is COMPLETELY uncalled for and you're a disgrace to the name of Pitch. 

**Baz:** Really? Is it really uncallled for? 

**Fiona:** . . . Okay, I see your point, boyo. We’ll call it even this time. 


End file.
